“I’m a Smart Mirror”

Tim Westfeldt says he tries not to help people. That may be a strange thing to say considering his work involves talking with people one on one about their most vulnerable, private thoughts and feelings, but it’s true.

“My work is about helping people learn more about themselves,” Tim said. “The only goal I have is for people to use me as a mirror to learn things they didn’t know.”

Once a person learns more about something that was previously out of their awareness, they change in that moment and they can’t stop the change. If that sounds like a concept linked to traditional therapy, that might be because Tim earned a Master’s degree from Southern Oregon University in Applied Science in Mental Health Counseling in 2004.

He went on to work as a counselor in local government, private, and non-profit organizations with varying milieus including outpatient, residential, and addiction treatment. He also studied with Ron Kurtz, the renowned originator of Hakomi Therapy, which is a body-centered psychotherapy emphasizing mindfulness, loving presence, and an emphasis on unconscious experience.

However, even though Tim has professional therapy training, he doesn’t consider himself a therapist or use that label.   

“I personally think if all you want me to do is sit and listen [like a traditional therapist], that’s asking me to commit malpractice,” he said.  “How can you learn about yourself if I’m just nodding my head and listening to you? You get some benefit from that, from having someone to connect with, but it’s an insufficient benefit if you don’t learn what parts of you are blocking connection, for instance.”

It goes back to Tim’s mirror philosophy: “If you don’t know by watching me how I’m being affected by your presence, movements, and vocalization, then how am I being a good mirror?” 

A good mirror, a smart mirror, will act as a reflection for a person and that means pointing out emotion as well. For instance, if a person walks around in life looking angry, but they don’t know it, people consider them threatening. The reaction to the person will be to either threaten back or avoid that person because they’re scary. But if the person doesn’t have awareness they are presenting as angry all the time, they’ll think there’s something wrong with them and it’s their fault people don’t want to be around them.

A smart mirror like Tim, who has people-reading skills, will let the person know they’re displaying anger and then the person can learn about the emotion and use it as a tool. The person then has a choice about when and how to use their anger instead of it operating on an unconscious level.

That in essence is the work of emotional hygiene. It’s like another form of hygiene – teeth-brushing, showering, etc. – where a person learns to clean and manage themselves. If a person doesn’t learn how to manage themselves, it becomes a problem. If they don’t take care of their teeth, they start to decay, perhaps they fall out or cause pain.

If a person doesn’t bathe regularly, they put themselves at risk for certain illnesses. However, hygiene is not only about taking care of the self, hygiene also involves a social component. 

If a person doesn’t keep their teeth clean, they develop bad breath and people don’t want to be around them. It’s the same thing with body odor – it’s harder to be around someone who stinks. Therefore, the work of emotional hygiene is to not only take care of the self, but also to ensure harmonious and happy relationships with other people. 

“Emotions are things we use all the time,” Tim said. “We use them when we’re awake and asleep. Emotion tools are safety tools – we use them to keep ourselves safe physically and socially.”

How does that happen exactly? Emotions provide information about the internal and external environment. They are sensory portals like the eyes, ears, and skin, according to Tim. If a particular emotion has shown up, it’s providing information about a current experience. For instance, fear shows up like an alarm bell in response to a threat. Anger is a protective emotion in response to that threat. Sadness appears whenever there’s a loss – including a perceived loss. If those emotions are blocked, a person may experience persistent anxiety and depression as well as physical maladies. If left unchecked, emotional pain can turn into physical problems like heart disease, intestinal issues, insomnia, and autoimmune disorders.

“For me, it’s all really selfish,” Tim said. “The more people learn about emotional hygiene, the more they become competent and the better the world is.”

The world is better because the person is safer to interact with, but also for the emotionally hygienic person, they are more engaged, they’re able to take risks and live fully. 

“It’s easier to have the birthright life we’re all supposed to be having when we’re happy,” Tim said. 

But it all starts with recognizing emotions are tools to be used and expressed.